http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d09eNZK3v2M
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
trent reznor
Monday, December 29, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
crazy ole miguel
no caption needed
notice how my arms are transparent
notice how im transclusent
notice all the orbs before handagain here goes crazy miguel stating that reality is not what we perceive or what we were taught. i remember once coloring a tree in the kindergarten purple. the teacher told me trees are not purple, but brown. but my tree was purple. how could i explain that to a teacher, an adult, who knew it all? a learned one in society? the proof is in the pudding. reality is not what we see with our eyes. unbelieving eyes want proof. want proof? the proof is in the pudding.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Hebrews 12
Hebrews 12:
4 You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin;
5 and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons, "MY SON, DO NOT REGARD LIGHTLY THE DISCIPLINE OF THE LORD, NOR FAINT WHEN YOU ARE REPROVED BY HIM;
6 FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES, AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES."
7 It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?
8 But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.
9 Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live?
10 For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness.
11 All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
Hebrews 12:
4 You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin;
5 and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons, "MY SON, DO NOT REGARD LIGHTLY THE DISCIPLINE OF THE LORD, NOR FAINT WHEN YOU ARE REPROVED BY HIM;
6 FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES, AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES."
7 It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?
8 But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.
9 Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live?
10 For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness.
11 All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
sinchronicity, foresight, forethought
please watch this video. listen to the words as the action is being played. very important. did you know the lead singer of pink floyd ended up in a mental asylum?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICdx53kEANE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICdx53kEANE
synchronicity
this is the journal i 'somehow' found. on the cover it reads millenium. 1999 and a 2000 on it. also on the bottom it states: A TIME TRAVELER'S JOURNAL.
i got a call from the past right out of that date. a time traveling call you might say. bobby, pistachio died the same night. i feel sense things that others cant. i cant say im a medium because i cant turn it on or off. i labeled on of my blogs synchronicities. i did not even know what the fuck that meant. look it up in wiki. very interesting to note is the "see also". anyways now im just writing this for me than for anyone else. my faith was tested. i am no Job, but i cant compare to what he went through. this is just a reminder to me. i am not crazy. even a blind man can see the signs.
Monday, December 22, 2008
the holmes clan hates me. i instinctively know this. they are right now counseling my wife. i was not even a part of the family tree to begin with (as if my girls were a miraculous conception[and you know what, maybe they were]). well fuck you todd. you turned your back on your family. fuck you holmes family. kelsey feels ackward around most of you. sure im mexican but you know what so are your granddaughters. it kills me to be compared to jim nice. i would never hurt my daughters or kelsey. i called her mom because i was so distraught that i did not want my daughters to see me crying. that is all. i know i fucked up but i couldnt have possibly fucked up that bad to deserve what i am going through now. im fucking hurt and crying. why the fuck me??? im not a bad person. i just see more dimensions than most people would ever care to see.
synchronicities
tonight my brother's came by to check on me yet again. i went to show them the missed call from history i had from history. "somehow" it was not there. gone like it never happened. had i not taken a photograph, people would think im full of shit. well it happened. i got a photograph. just how does that happen. i instant messaged with my friend morgan about that incident. apparently the date had a significant meaning in his life as well. what happened? outside forces at work.
call from the past
last night i was being bombarded by demons. again here goes crazy miguel with his demons. yesterday i proved it to myself. kelsey would not answer my phone calls. so what i did is i asked the demons for proof. i got a pen out. got a blank paper. i started to scribble back and forth, kinda like i was shading. i asked the demons to give me a number where kelsey is at. my hand moved out of its own accord (kinda like a ouija board). they gave me the number. later that night, i had a missed phone call from the past (it was dated 12/31/99 which is significant because it is a day before the new "millenium". i am not bullshitting. i was going to ask the demons to show to kelsey they were real. i was going to ask them to shut the lights out where she was at. but these demons are motherfuckers. i do not want them near my daughters. even today, i went into leyla's room with a purpose, opened the closet door and picked up one of kelsey's old journal's. i did not know of its existence. they want me to hate. you want proof look at the phone above. it is my friend Morgan's #. kelsey knows morgan. he could not believe what happened between me and kelsey. anyways morgan if you are reading this, im not saying you are demonic. what im saying is that what i feel is very real. you people might judge me and my sanity but why the fuck even go to church. because evil and demons exist.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
this is why im crazy. wrote this 24 days after god spared my life. what compelled me to write. maybe i am just crazy and all life is a farce. that is what i conclude today using both inductive and deductive reasoning. im an idiot. not even worth an afterthought from kelsey. ps 24 in biblical numerics means the priesthood.
No Subject)
From:
m1gel@hotmail.com
Sent:
Mon 4/28/08 12:05 PM
and judah doth lie in the desert crouched like a lionready to spring; valiantly standing over the graves ofisaac sarah rachael abraham jacob and leah. and the murmuring kenites do murmur and lie, and cause unsettling of the sons ishmael who want to claim their inheritance from their father abraham. ephraim and manassah watch their uncle closely.the sons of esau watch and lie patiently, eating their red porridge as they are led on by the murmuring kenites to claim their inheritance they sold to jacob. the children of monnasah have grown fat and idle on the blessings of their Father. they have forgotten the ways of the Lord. the appointed have sought to remove Him; sottish children doth thou not know the ways the Lord? the power of Lord God Almighty?
No Subject)
From:
m1gel@hotmail.com
Sent:
Mon 4/28/08 12:05 PM
and judah doth lie in the desert crouched like a lionready to spring; valiantly standing over the graves ofisaac sarah rachael abraham jacob and leah. and the murmuring kenites do murmur and lie, and cause unsettling of the sons ishmael who want to claim their inheritance from their father abraham. ephraim and manassah watch their uncle closely.the sons of esau watch and lie patiently, eating their red porridge as they are led on by the murmuring kenites to claim their inheritance they sold to jacob. the children of monnasah have grown fat and idle on the blessings of their Father. they have forgotten the ways of the Lord. the appointed have sought to remove Him; sottish children doth thou not know the ways the Lord? the power of Lord God Almighty?
nirvana
Truth - covered insecurity I can't let you smother me I'd Like to, but it couldn't work Trading off, taking turns Don't regret a thing And I've got this friend, you see Who makes me feel and I Wanted more than I could steal I'll arrest myself, I'll wear a shield I'll go outta my way to prove I still Smell her on you
Don't - tell me what I wanna hear Afraid of never knowing fear spirits have a thing with me. I'll keep fighting jealousy 'til it's fucking gone And I've got this friend, you see Who makes me feel and I Wanted more than I could steal I'll arrest myself, I'll wear a shield I'll go outta my way to prove I still Smell her on youTruth - covered in ecurity I can't let you smother me Like to but it couldn't work Trading off, taking turns Don't regret a thing And I've got this friend, you see Who makes me feel and I Wanted more than I could steal I'll arrest myself, I'll wear a shield I'll go outta my way to make you a deal We've made a pact to learn from who And ever we want without new rules We'll share what's lost and what we grew They'll go out of their way To prove they still Smell her on youThey still, Smell her on youSmell her on you
Truth - covered insecurity I can't let you smother me I'd Like to, but it couldn't work Trading off, taking turns Don't regret a thing And I've got this friend, you see Who makes me feel and I Wanted more than I could steal I'll arrest myself, I'll wear a shield I'll go outta my way to prove I still Smell her on you
Don't - tell me what I wanna hear Afraid of never knowing fear spirits have a thing with me. I'll keep fighting jealousy 'til it's fucking gone And I've got this friend, you see Who makes me feel and I Wanted more than I could steal I'll arrest myself, I'll wear a shield I'll go outta my way to prove I still Smell her on youTruth - covered in ecurity I can't let you smother me Like to but it couldn't work Trading off, taking turns Don't regret a thing And I've got this friend, you see Who makes me feel and I Wanted more than I could steal I'll arrest myself, I'll wear a shield I'll go outta my way to make you a deal We've made a pact to learn from who And ever we want without new rules We'll share what's lost and what we grew They'll go out of their way To prove they still Smell her on youThey still, Smell her on youSmell her on you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Iho1V--8G4
i will never bother you.
i will never promise to.
i will never follow you
i will never bother you.
never speak a word again.
i will crawl away from here
i will move away from here.
you wont be afraid of fear.
no thought was put into this.
always knew it come to this.
things have never been so swell.
i have never felt to feel...
pain.
pain.
pain.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
im so warm and calm inside.
i no longer have to hide.
let's talk about someone else,
steaming soup against her mouth.
nothing really bothers her.
she just wants to love herself
i will move away from here,
you wont be afraid of fear.
no thought was put into this.
always thought it come to this.
things have never been so swell
i have never felt to feel...
pain.
pain.
pain.
pain.
pain.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
PAIN.
-kurt cobain, tortured genius
i will never bother you.
i will never promise to.
i will never follow you
i will never bother you.
never speak a word again.
i will crawl away from here
i will move away from here.
you wont be afraid of fear.
no thought was put into this.
always knew it come to this.
things have never been so swell.
i have never felt to feel...
pain.
pain.
pain.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
im so warm and calm inside.
i no longer have to hide.
let's talk about someone else,
steaming soup against her mouth.
nothing really bothers her.
she just wants to love herself
i will move away from here,
you wont be afraid of fear.
no thought was put into this.
always thought it come to this.
things have never been so swell
i have never felt to feel...
pain.
pain.
pain.
pain.
pain.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
PAIN.
-kurt cobain, tortured genius
Saturday, December 20, 2008
eric hoffer quotes
No one has a right to happiness.
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
An empty head is not really empty; it is stuffed with rubbish. Hence the difficulty of forcing anything in to an empty head.
We do not usually look for allies when we love. Indeed, we often look on those who love with us as rivals and trespassers. But we always look for allies when we hate.
It is not love of self but hatred of self which is at the root of the troubles that afflict our world.
How much easier is self-sacrifice than self-realization.
Animals can learn, but it is not by learning that they become dogs, cats, or horses. Only man has to learn to become what he is supposed to be.
In a time of drastic change it is the learners who inherit the future. The learned usually find themselves equipped to live in a world that no longer exists.
People who bite the hand that feeds them usually lick the boot that kicks them.
Propaganda does not deceive people; it merely helps them to deceive themselves.
We have rudiments of reverence for the human body, but we consider as nothing the rape of the human mind.
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
An empty head is not really empty; it is stuffed with rubbish. Hence the difficulty of forcing anything in to an empty head.
We do not usually look for allies when we love. Indeed, we often look on those who love with us as rivals and trespassers. But we always look for allies when we hate.
It is not love of self but hatred of self which is at the root of the troubles that afflict our world.
How much easier is self-sacrifice than self-realization.
Animals can learn, but it is not by learning that they become dogs, cats, or horses. Only man has to learn to become what he is supposed to be.
In a time of drastic change it is the learners who inherit the future. The learned usually find themselves equipped to live in a world that no longer exists.
People who bite the hand that feeds them usually lick the boot that kicks them.
Propaganda does not deceive people; it merely helps them to deceive themselves.
We have rudiments of reverence for the human body, but we consider as nothing the rape of the human mind.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
am i going crazy?
am i really going crazy. i was somewhat cleaning the house to try to keep busy. i was in our bedroom when i distinctly heard kelsey's piano. it was only one note. the cat is not here. im all alone. it was an F note closest to middle C (i went back to the piano and searched for the key i heard). it was clear and distinct. can that just happen? are there some sort of outside forces at play here? or am i going crazy? i know what i heard. i need to leave for a while im getting the creeps.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
tonight reality settled in. i read kelsey's blog, (which she conveniently deleted) that she yes basically wants to see other men and start dating. i might or might not have depression. i do have a substance problem that i have never even gone to treatment for. i was remembering when we first met it was around winter time before christmas. she was in a relationship with someone else. she told me it was basically over but they were still living together. that sounds familiar. she was not very emotionally stable when we met either. i remember her also telling me how she hated winter in idaho because it was cold depressing and how her skin would get all dry (which would make her even more self conscious). maybe she has a winter depression or something. well merry fucking christmas to me. the most she ever warned me this last time was "you reek" or "are you gonna stop?" well fuck it. i knew she had a promiscous nature to begin with. i looked past that and saw the beauty she held (and besides i didnt have a clean slate to begin with ,with kids and all) i felt like the luckiest man in the world. i felt like causing damage to those that had ever hurt her. that guy she fucked probably wanted to fuck me up too by what she told him. i know logan kendell wanted to drive to texas to come beat me up. all she wrote was "kelsey and miguel got into a physical confrontation and i called the cops." i also saw that i was the last one to know she intended on leaving me. people were offering support, and offering legal help. people telling her she must do what is right. well fuck that you all dont know me. she knows. she is a public relations expert. she tells you what you want to hear. if she didnt think i could change why have leyla? she hurt me in the worst possible way you could hurt a person mentally, emotionally. i think back and look at the timing of this and dont see a coincidence but a pattern. in another blog (which she also deleted) she stated that it is always hard when i come back from out of state. well my work is seasonal and so is her depression. it wasnt aided that she pushed herself to the brink this season to graduate with honors. that's what i chalked it up to. i knew something was wrong, but i thought it was stress from the finals. maybe she never loved me and was just happy because of my massive penis until even then that was not enough. i should have known when she posted all her photo shopped images on sites rekindling frienships and memories. i believe that is how she met matt in the first place. i dont want to take anything away from her she is really smart and talented. but you know what? so is the devil. i need some time to think. ps. my dad's dog, bobby, died today. IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR.
Monday, December 15, 2008
her flowers
her flowers die because she does too much.
my flowers die because i don't do enough.
her flowers die because she don't have time.
my flowers die because i don't make time.
my flower died because i neglected her.
her flowers.
my flowers.
our flowers.
what does it all mean?
my flowers die because i don't do enough.
her flowers die because she don't have time.
my flowers die because i don't make time.
my flower died because i neglected her.
her flowers.
my flowers.
our flowers.
what does it all mean?
i
Friday, December 12, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
more random thoughts
It seems that for some reason or other, God is trying to teach me the fine art of pain management. I guess I've got more to learn.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
today i would like to devote my thoughts to my daughter chloe. she is such a special girl. she is so talented and so smart yet so fragile. it is sometimes hard to forget she is only 2 years old. she acts like she's 4 or 5. i am not just bragging. she knows her colors, letters, planets (my favorites are baluto (pluto of course), penus (venus), jupater. not only that her she seems to have photographic memory. she has not seen the baby einstein video for ages and watched it about 4 or 5 times for one day. the next day shes eating in the kitchen and the video says konichiwa, she states, "bear" really calmly and almost smugly (or self assured, but i saw i glint of smugness), and sure enough, there was a bear on the screen. this video is pretty random and has no order or sense to follow. im starting to believe more and more she is a child genius or if not partially psychic. she keeps amazing me. she reads my thoughts. and kelsey could vouch that just recently my son mikey was swimming next door with the neighbor's son. chloe had no clue. she kept saying mikey bubbles (a bath reference), and mikey duck towel. and tonight she really wanted to watch the wiggles. she was watching kelsey on the computer. kelsey was typing in to go to yahoo and the wiggles just popped up. when she was saying wiggles. in my mind she does not know how the computer works, so there is no limitation in her mind. mommy and daddy watch what they want, why not me? she just willed it. im convinced. that is why im writing this. kelsey does not lie and she could vouch for this and many other incidents. i love you chloe.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
lately i've been thinking about eric hoffer's writing. when i was around 14 i stumbled across his book in my grandma's old books (which we kept at our house). passionate state of mind. the title caught my attention and the green cover caught my eye. it looked like a light read. i had been devouring books by age 8 and would sometimes be caught reading encyclopedias for the lack of other reading material. heck i would catch myself reading the shampoo ingredients and safety warnings and such. i think that's where chloe gets her love of reading, though kelsey's mom i noticed, has a passion for reading. anyways, i read that book and i think its a very powerful book that does actually stimulate you to think. its just a bunch of insightful quotes as to the nature of man and society and life. he was a working man and a philosopher. i didnt and still dont agree with all his writing but for the majority its a must read. here are some of his quotes:
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
An empty head is not really empty; it is stuffed with rubbish. Hence the difficulty of forcing anything in to an empty head.
We do not usually look for allies when we love. Indeed, we often look on those who love with us as rivals and trespassers. But we always look for allies when we hate.
It is not love of self but hatred of self which is at the root of the troubles that afflict our world.
How much easier is self-sacrifice than self-realization.
Animals can learn, but it is not by learning that they become dogs, cats, or horses. Only man has to learn to become what he is supposed to be.
No one has a right to happiness.
In a time of drastic change it is the learners who inherit the future. The learned usually find themselves equipped to live in a world that no longer exists.
People who bite the hand that feeds them usually lick the boot that kicks them.
Propaganda does not deceive people; it merely helps them to deceive themselves.
We have rudiments of reverence for the human body, but we consider as nothing the rape of the human mind.
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
An empty head is not really empty; it is stuffed with rubbish. Hence the difficulty of forcing anything in to an empty head.
We do not usually look for allies when we love. Indeed, we often look on those who love with us as rivals and trespassers. But we always look for allies when we hate.
It is not love of self but hatred of self which is at the root of the troubles that afflict our world.
How much easier is self-sacrifice than self-realization.
Animals can learn, but it is not by learning that they become dogs, cats, or horses. Only man has to learn to become what he is supposed to be.
No one has a right to happiness.
In a time of drastic change it is the learners who inherit the future. The learned usually find themselves equipped to live in a world that no longer exists.
People who bite the hand that feeds them usually lick the boot that kicks them.
Propaganda does not deceive people; it merely helps them to deceive themselves.
We have rudiments of reverence for the human body, but we consider as nothing the rape of the human mind.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Work Place Rivalries
I was talking with Kelsey on the phone and she was telling me about Mr. Daisy Dukes not allowing the weather to spoil his fashion sense, and how he still paraded around in his infamous shorts. This got me to missing the work place. Every job, no matter how petty, comes with its own mini-dramas, power struggles, rivalries, and plenty of funny/interesting stories to talk to your spouse about. I started to reminisce about how much I liked to work at the Harbor Bridge. I was remembering one of my own petty rivalries. It all started pretty innocently. During an inspection the blasters and vacuumers would take a little lunch break. I pulled out turkey sandwich; it was decked out with avocados, onions, lettuce, and such. I offered a one to Martinez, which is not his real name. We just call him that on account of his first name being Martin. Anyways he complimented my sandwich but with a look that I took for envy. Maybe its just me. The next day he brings his own version of a sandwich. He brings it in fresh deli bread with all the fixings. It wasn't just the sandwich though. It was in the way he casually pulled the foot long sandwich out of his lunch box. As is it was custom to bring in extravagant food to our work place. He had even pre- cut the damn thing! He offered two other people besides myself a piece. It was a damn good sandwich, but even as I swallowed I knew this was a silent war between me and Martinez. Everyone else munched on their sandwich oblivious to the challenge Martinez had just slapped me with. Damn that Martinez. Similar incidents occurred with other things such as knives, gloves, and other work related items. Each and every time Martinez would come back with something fancier, shinier, more expensive. I sadly came to the conclusion that I could not outspend Martinez, but must beat him by other means. One night in the bedroom, Kelsey and I were talking, when it hit me like a lightning bolt. A cantaloupe! That would trump him. Not only would I defeat him by bringing a cantaloupe to work, but cantaloupes taste well. Well Kelsey already knew about my rivalry with Martinez, but I think she pretty much thought it was silly. Anyways I ramble on. I told Kelsey of my flash of inspiration. She thought that was silly as well. She did not fully understand the nuances and subtleties of the warfare we engaged in. I was going to go to the store specifically for that cantaloupe to finally end this war. Call it bringing in the nukes. It was about time seeing as how Martinez had been on the war path for the two past weeks with things such as $40 gloves and fancy scrapers, not to mention breakfast tacos and coffee (that was just to rub it in). I did not go make the trip because I was exhausted from work, and though I knew Kelsey would make the trip for me if I pressed enough, I chose not to as I knew her sentiments on the whole thing. I went to work the next day waiting for Saturday to come. On Friday Kelsey was going to go shopping and I had put the special item on the list. Come break time, I wondered what Martinez would bring in this time. On seeing him pull out a cantaloupe out of his ice chest, my jaw hit the floor. He cooly and casually pulled it out. Then like something out the movies he pulls out his knife and flips it open, and starts to part it. I was speechless in utter defeat. I could not protest and tell him I had intended to bring in a cantaloupe of my own. I would have sounded like a liar and a sore loser. I had to suffer my defeat like a man. It only made it more bitter knowing I had the same idea; we could have ended this war on a stale-mate. We would have been equals, Martinez and I. Instead, I was crushed. Damn that Martinez. He was a worthy adversary. As I look back in retrospect, I see how silly it all was. I should not have accepted defeat but brought in a watermelon. Anyways, if you learn anything out of this, it's to not procrastinate, no matter how tired you are or you never what might have been.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
