http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d09eNZK3v2M

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt


I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

trent reznor

crazy ole miguel

no caption needed

notice how my arms are transparent

notice how im transclusent

notice all the orbs before hand

again here goes crazy miguel stating that reality is not what we perceive or what we were taught. i remember once coloring a tree in the kindergarten purple. the teacher told me trees are not purple, but brown. but my tree was purple. how could i explain that to a teacher, an adult, who knew it all? a learned one in society? the proof is in the pudding. reality is not what we see with our eyes. unbelieving eyes want proof. want proof? the proof is in the pudding.

my best gift all time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nm8zBxSmPiQ

a very merry christmas to all and to all a good night

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Qs9x0PKquA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIPwQ8uEE1Y
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jd7vvwlX8n4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2c5YcaP8tw

Hebrews 12

Hebrews 12:

4 You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin;
5 and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons, "MY SON, DO NOT REGARD LIGHTLY THE DISCIPLINE OF THE LORD, NOR FAINT WHEN YOU ARE REPROVED BY HIM;
6 FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES, AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES."
7 It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?
8 But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.
9 Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live?
10 For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness.
11 All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

you really can find everything in youtube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gJfQfmVc_8

a merry christmas to all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIPwQ8uEE1Y

#7

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gT2SSsr-dT8

sinchronicity, foresight, forethought

please watch this video. listen to the words as the action is being played. very important. did you know the lead singer of pink floyd ended up in a mental asylum?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICdx53kEANE

synchronicity

this is the journal i 'somehow' found. on the cover it reads millenium. 1999 and a 2000 on it. also on the bottom it states: A TIME TRAVELER'S JOURNAL.

i got a call from the past right out of that date. a time traveling call you might say. bobby, pistachio died the same night. i feel sense things that others cant. i cant say im a medium because i cant turn it on or off. i labeled on of my blogs synchronicities. i did not even know what the fuck that meant. look it up in wiki. very interesting to note is the "see also". anyways now im just writing this for me than for anyone else. my faith was tested. i am no Job, but i cant compare to what he went through. this is just a reminder to me. i am not crazy. even a blind man can see the signs.

the holmes clan hates me. i instinctively know this. they are right now counseling my wife. i was not even a part of the family tree to begin with (as if my girls were a miraculous conception[and you know what, maybe they were]). well fuck you todd. you turned your back on your family. fuck you holmes family. kelsey feels ackward around most of you. sure im mexican but you know what so are your granddaughters. it kills me to be compared to jim nice. i would never hurt my daughters or kelsey. i called her mom because i was so distraught that i did not want my daughters to see me crying. that is all. i know i fucked up but i couldnt have possibly fucked up that bad to deserve what i am going through now. im fucking hurt and crying. why the fuck me??? im not a bad person. i just see more dimensions than most people would ever care to see.

synchronicities

tonight my brother's came by to check on me yet again. i went to show them the missed call from history i had from history. "somehow" it was not there. gone like it never happened. had i not taken a photograph, people would think im full of shit. well it happened. i got a photograph. just how does that happen. i instant messaged with my friend morgan about that incident. apparently the date had a significant meaning in his life as well. what happened? outside forces at work.

call from the past

last night i was being bombarded by demons. again here goes crazy miguel with his demons. yesterday i proved it to myself. kelsey would not answer my phone calls. so what i did is i asked the demons for proof. i got a pen out. got a blank paper. i started to scribble back and forth, kinda like i was shading. i asked the demons to give me a number where kelsey is at. my hand moved out of its own accord (kinda like a ouija board). they gave me the number. later that night, i had a missed phone call from the past (it was dated 12/31/99 which is significant because it is a day before the new "millenium". i am not bullshitting. i was going to ask the demons to show to kelsey they were real. i was going to ask them to shut the lights out where she was at. but these demons are motherfuckers. i do not want them near my daughters. even today, i went into leyla's room with a purpose, opened the closet door and picked up one of kelsey's old journal's. i did not know of its existence. they want me to hate. you want proof look at the phone above. it is my friend Morgan's #. kelsey knows morgan. he could not believe what happened between me and kelsey. anyways morgan if you are reading this, im not saying you are demonic. what im saying is that what i feel is very real. you people might judge me and my sanity but why the fuck even go to church. because evil and demons exist.

jeremiah
victor
wayne
joe
john
drew
pete
matt
brad
john
preacher's son
jimmy
lloyd
mike
brandon
jesse
dave
blake?
jon?
miguel
david garza

and other random "nameless" people and the
others yet to come

this is why im crazy. wrote this 24 days after god spared my life. what compelled me to write. maybe i am just crazy and all life is a farce. that is what i conclude today using both inductive and deductive reasoning. im an idiot. not even worth an afterthought from kelsey. ps 24 in biblical numerics means the priesthood.


No Subject)‏
From:
m1gel@hotmail.com
Sent:
Mon 4/28/08 12:05 PM

and judah doth lie in the desert crouched like a lionready to spring; valiantly standing over the graves ofisaac sarah rachael abraham jacob and leah. and the murmuring kenites do murmur and lie, and cause unsettling of the sons ishmael who want to claim their inheritance from their father abraham. ephraim and manassah watch their uncle closely.the sons of esau watch and lie patiently, eating their red porridge as they are led on by the murmuring kenites to claim their inheritance they sold to jacob. the children of monnasah have grown fat and idle on the blessings of their Father. they have forgotten the ways of the Lord. the appointed have sought to remove Him; sottish children doth thou not know the ways the Lord? the power of Lord God Almighty?

winter solstace. the shortest day of the year...

how long does a man spend dying???

a whole lifetime.

happy 2008

kelsey's world

i just realized that this is kelsey's world. im just a squirrel trying to get a nut.

nirvana

Truth - covered insecurity I can't let you smother me I'd Like to, but it couldn't work Trading off, taking turns Don't regret a thing And I've got this friend, you see Who makes me feel and I Wanted more than I could steal I'll arrest myself, I'll wear a shield I'll go outta my way to prove I still Smell her on you

Don't - tell me what I wanna hear Afraid of never knowing fear spirits have a thing with me. I'll keep fighting jealousy 'til it's fucking gone And I've got this friend, you see Who makes me feel and I Wanted more than I could steal I'll arrest myself, I'll wear a shield I'll go outta my way to prove I still Smell her on youTruth - covered in ecurity I can't let you smother me Like to but it couldn't work Trading off, taking turns Don't regret a thing And I've got this friend, you see Who makes me feel and I Wanted more than I could steal I'll arrest myself, I'll wear a shield I'll go outta my way to make you a deal We've made a pact to learn from who And ever we want without new rules We'll share what's lost and what we grew They'll go out of their way To prove they still Smell her on youThey still, Smell her on youSmell her on you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Iho1V--8G4


i will never bother you.
i will never promise to.
i will never follow you
i will never bother you.

never speak a word again.
i will crawl away from here
i will move away from here.
you wont be afraid of fear.

no thought was put into this.
always knew it come to this.
things have never been so swell.
i have never felt to feel...

pain.
pain.
pain.

you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.

im so warm and calm inside.
i no longer have to hide.
let's talk about someone else,
steaming soup against her mouth.

nothing really bothers her.
she just wants to love herself

i will move away from here,
you wont be afraid of fear.
no thought was put into this.
always thought it come to this.

things have never been so swell
i have never felt to feel...

pain.
pain.
pain.
pain.
pain.

you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.
you know you're right.

PAIN.

-kurt cobain, tortured genius

eric hoffer quotes

No one has a right to happiness.

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

An empty head is not really empty; it is stuffed with rubbish. Hence the difficulty of forcing anything in to an empty head.

We do not usually look for allies when we love. Indeed, we often look on those who love with us as rivals and trespassers. But we always look for allies when we hate.

It is not love of self but hatred of self which is at the root of the troubles that afflict our world.

How much easier is self-sacrifice than self-realization.

Animals can learn, but it is not by learning that they become dogs, cats, or horses. Only man has to learn to become what he is supposed to be.

In a time of drastic change it is the learners who inherit the future. The learned usually find themselves equipped to live in a world that no longer exists.

People who bite the hand that feeds them usually lick the boot that kicks them.

Propaganda does not deceive people; it merely helps them to deceive themselves.

We have rudiments of reverence for the human body, but we consider as nothing the rape of the human mind.

my chloe

am i going crazy?

am i really going crazy. i was somewhat cleaning the house to try to keep busy. i was in our bedroom when i distinctly heard kelsey's piano. it was only one note. the cat is not here. im all alone. it was an F note closest to middle C (i went back to the piano and searched for the key i heard). it was clear and distinct. can that just happen? are there some sort of outside forces at play here? or am i going crazy? i know what i heard. i need to leave for a while im getting the creeps.

famous quote

do what thy wilt

-aleister crowley

tonight reality settled in. i read kelsey's blog, (which she conveniently deleted) that she yes basically wants to see other men and start dating. i might or might not have depression. i do have a substance problem that i have never even gone to treatment for. i was remembering when we first met it was around winter time before christmas. she was in a relationship with someone else. she told me it was basically over but they were still living together. that sounds familiar. she was not very emotionally stable when we met either. i remember her also telling me how she hated winter in idaho because it was cold depressing and how her skin would get all dry (which would make her even more self conscious). maybe she has a winter depression or something. well merry fucking christmas to me. the most she ever warned me this last time was "you reek" or "are you gonna stop?" well fuck it. i knew she had a promiscous nature to begin with. i looked past that and saw the beauty she held (and besides i didnt have a clean slate to begin with ,with kids and all) i felt like the luckiest man in the world. i felt like causing damage to those that had ever hurt her. that guy she fucked probably wanted to fuck me up too by what she told him. i know logan kendell wanted to drive to texas to come beat me up. all she wrote was "kelsey and miguel got into a physical confrontation and i called the cops." i also saw that i was the last one to know she intended on leaving me. people were offering support, and offering legal help. people telling her she must do what is right. well fuck that you all dont know me. she knows. she is a public relations expert. she tells you what you want to hear. if she didnt think i could change why have leyla? she hurt me in the worst possible way you could hurt a person mentally, emotionally. i think back and look at the timing of this and dont see a coincidence but a pattern. in another blog (which she also deleted) she stated that it is always hard when i come back from out of state. well my work is seasonal and so is her depression. it wasnt aided that she pushed herself to the brink this season to graduate with honors. that's what i chalked it up to. i knew something was wrong, but i thought it was stress from the finals. maybe she never loved me and was just happy because of my massive penis until even then that was not enough. i should have known when she posted all her photo shopped images on sites rekindling frienships and memories. i believe that is how she met matt in the first place. i dont want to take anything away from her she is really smart and talented. but you know what? so is the devil. i need some time to think. ps. my dad's dog, bobby, died today. IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR.

her flowers

her flowers die because she does too much.
my flowers die because i don't do enough.

her flowers die because she don't have time.
my flowers die because i don't make time.

my flower died because i neglected her.

her flowers.
my flowers.
our flowers.

what does it all mean?

i