famous quote

do what thy wilt

-aleister crowley

tonight reality settled in. i read kelsey's blog, (which she conveniently deleted) that she yes basically wants to see other men and start dating. i might or might not have depression. i do have a substance problem that i have never even gone to treatment for. i was remembering when we first met it was around winter time before christmas. she was in a relationship with someone else. she told me it was basically over but they were still living together. that sounds familiar. she was not very emotionally stable when we met either. i remember her also telling me how she hated winter in idaho because it was cold depressing and how her skin would get all dry (which would make her even more self conscious). maybe she has a winter depression or something. well merry fucking christmas to me. the most she ever warned me this last time was "you reek" or "are you gonna stop?" well fuck it. i knew she had a promiscous nature to begin with. i looked past that and saw the beauty she held (and besides i didnt have a clean slate to begin with ,with kids and all) i felt like the luckiest man in the world. i felt like causing damage to those that had ever hurt her. that guy she fucked probably wanted to fuck me up too by what she told him. i know logan kendell wanted to drive to texas to come beat me up. all she wrote was "kelsey and miguel got into a physical confrontation and i called the cops." i also saw that i was the last one to know she intended on leaving me. people were offering support, and offering legal help. people telling her she must do what is right. well fuck that you all dont know me. she knows. she is a public relations expert. she tells you what you want to hear. if she didnt think i could change why have leyla? she hurt me in the worst possible way you could hurt a person mentally, emotionally. i think back and look at the timing of this and dont see a coincidence but a pattern. in another blog (which she also deleted) she stated that it is always hard when i come back from out of state. well my work is seasonal and so is her depression. it wasnt aided that she pushed herself to the brink this season to graduate with honors. that's what i chalked it up to. i knew something was wrong, but i thought it was stress from the finals. maybe she never loved me and was just happy because of my massive penis until even then that was not enough. i should have known when she posted all her photo shopped images on sites rekindling frienships and memories. i believe that is how she met matt in the first place. i dont want to take anything away from her she is really smart and talented. but you know what? so is the devil. i need some time to think. ps. my dad's dog, bobby, died today. IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR.

her flowers

her flowers die because she does too much.
my flowers die because i don't do enough.

her flowers die because she don't have time.
my flowers die because i don't make time.

my flower died because i neglected her.

her flowers.
my flowers.
our flowers.

what does it all mean?

i